Did u ever have the urge of ending it all?
Like, turn the lights off, just be done with it all.
I did
More than once actually
And I'd like to think I wasn't the only one
Am pretty sure a lot of people do from time to time 
It's normal isn't it, it shouldn't be but is.
Until u actually try to do it 
Try to kill yourself then it's not normal 
Then u must be sick
But is it tho
You see I did try to kill myself but it's a good thing cause what ppl don't know is
You don't know how much you want to live until you're about to die
At least that what I've been told
I didn't feel it tho
What I felt was way worse than that 
I remember every reason why I should die but What's worst than that is the fact that I didn't have a reason to stay alive my reason left awhile ago.
Isn't funny tho when u lose smth u didn't know u want and breaks u and shutter ur soul
Nd u become empty 
I've been empty for a while now
Did u ever wish u die
Cuz am a failure I even failed to kill myself cuz I thought why die when 
I can just live and make it better 
it comes to a point where you think"okay, I got it, I've been through worst,
But everything proves one point living makes you wanna die.
You hold on to that small hope and that what fucks you up, that what kills you.
You see they lied when they say you die by killing yourself it's the hope that kills you
My Hope died
And my hope is dying
Have u ever tried to end it but u wanted it to be not ur fault 
Like crossing the street without looking 
Like going deep-sea diving with no help or oxygen
Like eating anything hoping it may poisonous or bad or smth that would kill u
It's kinda freeing tho losing the will to live and being careless it makes you live in the extreme but that's not the point
You see I wanted to be happy so I did everything to be happy I buried myself Nd live with one hope more like with one idea in mind be happy 
I used drugs, I got drunk, I spent days can't remember my own name, I had sex empty pointless sex, did everything but everything was just temporary
I tried to live I did I swear I did
I wish this had a better ending, 
I wish I could tell you I'm happy, I wanna live, I figured it out but I'd be lying
Cause I don't wanna be alive am a failure and a burden Nd have nothing to live for 
But am still here and I'll be here for a while
and that's my problem, I was an idiot searching for a paradise where there's only hell exists
constantly searching for peace where only chaos lives
I said before and I'll say it again, 
hope is what kills you 
And I'll just wait till it does.