Awhile back and by that I mean nine years ago, maybe less maybe more as you know am bad with time.
I met a girl online her name was Amy she was young crazy and we didn't talk much just the usual how was your day and whatnot, then we got close and we talked almost all the time until few years after I met her face to face, and I can never forget how that day was.
you see I just moved in a new town 'her town' to a new school know nobody talks to nobody so I went to have a coffee and that's when her best friend texted me ' you see I was close to both of them', though gonna meet her and hang but she brought her she brought My Amy with her.
I was standing in front of the theatre waiting, and there she was at the corner of the street so cute so tiny so incredibly stupid she was walking or running or jumping more like all three at once she was a weird round kid and the most beautiful creature I've ever seen.
have u ever experienced a slow-motion in real time like everything just feels like going so slowly, well that's how it felt, I saw her coming from the corner I saw how her face looked when she saw me I remember every nanosecond of that moment I remember cause when I saw her time stopped and nothing exists but me and her.
and I stayed and stared time eventually worked again and she comes 'let's say running' straight towards me and hugged me. that hug erased every hug I ever had it's like that's the 1st time I ever hug anyone ever. it was so right and it felt so good I never wanted to let her go just wanted to stay there for all eternity but everything must end, although after the hug she gave me a kiss on the cheek that was like electricity going through my body, then she looked at me and said:' okay now.. bye"
the way she smiled when she said those cheekbones those beautiful lips those big round brown shiny eyes captured my soul like a trap and I just walked straight into it. we passed a great day that day and every day since she became my truly best friend.
I Was In love with my best friend.
few years passed 5 to be exact and we got a hell a lot closer over the years she became more than a just a best friend she became everything I ever asked for everything u could want in a girl, she became my dream girl but that's all she was a dream girl.
 I was in love with a girl in my head I was in love with my best friend.
The problem is when you truly love someone that's it your heart is full with just that one person u can't really fall for anyone else u can love 'em yes sure but u can't really fall for them the way u suppose to u can't get involve with them the way u have to, which is really not fair to them.
it's probably why I never had a good or even successful relationship not ever, I could never care for someone not really I could love 'em but only so much not that much.
I've been blamed that am cold, emotionlessness, distant, selfish etc... and they're absolutely right I am or I was, after all, how can u care for someone like really cares like they ur everything if u already have an everything what can I say;
I was in love with a girl in my head I was in love with my best friend.
what I didn't know if I was hurting my best friend I hurt her over and over and I didn't even realise it, you see I never told her that I was in lovee her how can I?, this is the most cliché story in existence being in love with your best friend and she doesn't love u that way at least that's what I thought.
I was wrong.
she was my best friend you see, and I tell everything to my best friend literally everything every disgusting boring stupid and awesome detail everything, I've told her when I like girl when I sleep with a girl when I get  girl I've told her over and over and she had to watch me be with someone over and over and that sucked.
I didn't know. I didn't know that my best friend was in love with me.
in truth maybe I wanted to hurt her maybe I wanted her to feel the way I feel maybe I wanted her to feel that she loosing me the way she makes me feel every time she gets a new guy.
you see the truth is I can never make her feel like I do, no one should feel like I do. 
I can't make her feel like she's plan B like she's the second option, I can't make her feel that she lost me and am no longer in her reach I love her way too much to make her feel what I feel.
I've been bad to her I've been a player in sort I've been in love with her while been jumping from a girl to a girl and she stood and watch.
I didn't know. I didn't know that my best friend was in love with me.
until few month ago, actually to be straight until a week ago we got drunk and we kissed and from that second everything changed she's no longer my best friend I can't explain the feeling but in simple terms, she became my everything truly. like I started to actually get jealous I started to have a feeling that I never had before or ever thought I could feel towards someone.
I felt alive again.
I was a zombie, just walk and eat butwhen she kissed me
I'm human again my heart is beating again for
the first time in years I could smile like truly smile.
we started talking after that like really talking she couldn't believe what she feeling nor could I
she's my eldest friend, after all, she's my best friend and vice versa.
so we talked about it but we couldn't really talk about it every time we start talking we end up making jokes so we decided to get drunk again and we did and this time we had my sister with us (our third best friend to be clear) you know to keep us I check) so we got our selves some old bottle of scotch we made a nice dinner and we got wasted.
of course, my sister suppose to keep us in check, right! WRONG. she fell asleep me
and her we suppose to talk well we did we literally said everything until we fell asleep in each other's arms and my god that was the best night I ever had in my entire life.
so after that, we started to actually talk and we realized we both are in love with each other for god knows how long we loved each other.
now i know my best friend is in love with me and
now she knows that am in love with her.
we're not out of the fire yet you see I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend.
so I did what I always do sabotage the shit of that relationship (between us it was pointless one and stupid and heading for failure so I just skipped it to the end) and it took me a week but I was finally single.
but she was stuck with him she didn't how to leave him after he's been through enough and he loves her and she cares for him and didn't wanna hurt him any more than she already did.. but 
what about me
you see I understand I really do shit takes time and I do trust her to take care of things.
yea I trust her, you know I never used that word Trust. I don't trust people. I never did.
you know I've been to hell. 
I walked through hell. 
hell was not as advertised. 
hell was cold. 
hell was lonely. 
I've walked for centuries with nothing but my shadow it could drive a man crazy being alone in a cold place with nothing around u but complete nothingness. 
I've met the devil. 
she wasn't as advertised. 
she was lonely. sad and cold. she was not to blame she said she shouldn't be trusted and she should have never given her trust.
the devil looked at me and said look around, boy, hell is empty all the demons are on earth.

so I could never trust anyone after all history proves my point.
but i trust her. you see if she held a gun to my chest and said don't move it won't hurt i would smile and say okay i trust u (if I die, I won't care, I'd be dead. if i live i was right and she deserve my trust)
i would live and die for that girl, it's rare to have a soulmate, hell is a million to one life, 
yet I found mine.
the story isn't over yet maybe we'll end up together maybe I'll break the rules and i get my best friend and maybe not.
but i have hope and i know deep in my should that it's not gonna be long till i get on one knee and ask her to marry me.