Do you ever get that feeling where you just need to get out of where you are and I don't mean just physically but in every literal meaning of the word. I did that.
it wasn't fun.
I hated it.
you see I was home alone, went to take a shower because why not and started thinking about life and shit cause it's shower, that's what you do in the shower, just think.
and all of  sudden my phone beeps it's my best friend canceling on me, again, of course I just turned up the music and went back in, this time the phone rings I wasn't gonna pick up at first but then should at least see who it turns out it was an old friend of mine asked me to go camping with him and of course I greed I mean n opportunity to get out of my life my head and everything for a while honestly the timing couldn't be any more perfect.
I was wrong.
you see that day I just agreed and went didn't think about didn't plan anything like I always do I just went with it.
I shouldn't of.
so I made it there met everyone, they were a nice, bunch beautiful souls young and very much in love, yes, they were
they were all couples, I didn't care t first I mean I was going to just breath and just not think for a while.
so I did what anyone would do I got high in the woods under the stars and what a beautiful feeling that is.
it didn't last.
every angle I turn my head in they were two kissing under a tree, others having a good time in their tent and basically it was an awkward night, but the problem wasn't in what they're doing I mean it was beautiful to see people in love and enjoying their love and it felt good and right for a moment, it gives you hope you see.
that didn't last either.
you see it's that moment of the night where everyone just shares stories, and they all decided to talk about how amazingly in love they are how they met they talk they live.
I really shouldn't have listened.
I thought I ran from my mind I thought I was gonna get out of my head from the moment.
I was wrong.
I slipped away I just left them talking and laughing around the fire, and I just walked away, took my camera and just laid down and watch the sky smiling hoping my mind get lost in nature.
it didn't.
you see I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened them, though everything will just be fine
I was wrong yet again.
it's like fireworks in my head, every thought I pushed away just come rushing in like its happy hour and everything is free,
-first thing first you must know I have a weird condition in my head something stupid I might say I dunno if it had a name or not but it's a close second to temporal dysplasia but it's not, not exactly.
I have no time perception you see I don't perceive time like you do I never know when it is, now, later or ago the only way to know when am i is to count and my head is Einstein it counts it always count if I don't I get lost, you see feeling is known to be related to moments you had yo don't just feel an emotion you remember what makes you feel it, you remember that exact moment in time and feel it.
and like i said if I don't count I don't know the time and if I don't know the time I get lost in time for in my head time doesn't exist every moment Ilived in my brain I lived, living it and will live it its a mess and imagine feeling everything t once and not feeling it and knowing ur gonna feel it that's what happens when I don't count I get lost in my head.-
and that's what happened that night.
 I lived every moment over and over and over and I gave up if this shit is gonna happen to me, it's gonna be on my terms.
it wasn't by a long shot.
see I thought I'll just think the good stuff be lost in the good feeling, that didn't happen.
The problem wasn't that I didn't have good memories or good feeling, I do god knows I do Ihave plenty to last a lifetime.
The problem is that most of those good feelings I get are related to usually one person.
my best friend the girl am in love with since the day I met I've loved her for years and watch her being with people that are not me and that's what I thought about and I just got lost in that I felt every moment she spent telling me about her boyfriend I felt every second she spent away from me I felt everything she had with him and her and him and everyone but me.
that wasn't even the worst part cause I've felt those before I know how to avoid them just lock 'em away and pretend they don't exist, its simple, easy, stupid but it works. but at that moment I realized she already know how I feel she always knew but she never believed it, she knew, she just knew that's not even the worst part, what is worst is I know that she feels the same.
you see we were never good for each other we were perfect and stupid.
 I thought a thousand thought and every one of them had a thing in common, her.
you see I thought I'll have good thoughts I mean she's my best friend and the love of my life.
I was wrong.
I thought about how every time she has someone she forgets about me,
I thought about how she only kiss me when she has no one
I thought about how am always option B
I thought about how she treats me
I thought about our first kiss and how spectacular I was
and I knew how perfect our life would
you see she's not  believer of the good things she believes that nothing ever last and relationship always ends miserably that's why she sometimes sabotage her relationship without even knowing it, that's when I knew am an idiot, I had a fight with the one I know more than my own self about something so stupid so pointless that almost broke us.
but it still hurts I still close my eyes and see the stupid things I've done.
Which brings us to how terrible human being I am.
you see I have a girlfriend that loves me but this girl doesn't get me not really she loves how I make her feel yet have no idea what am i not really.
see I didn't know it then but once everything got replayed in my head over and over you tend to focus on the smallest detail, and I realised that I've done the same to her to my best friend I did almost the same she did to me everytime my girl upset me I blew am in her face everytime am with someone whether as a relationship or just a night I tell her and I didn't realise till now that she didn't care whether am with someone she was afraid to lose me to them cause I care and sometimes I care too much, but that's what an empaths do we care too much about things that really have no business with.
like i said my brain is wired weird.
you see as i was laying there watching the sky away from everything, i figured it out, i knew why everything went to hell.
and it's time to do something about it.
so i texted her trying to be romantic.
it didn't work.
turns out she went back to her ex,
turns out she had done the same she thought about everything i said to her and said it to me
am an idiot i don't know how to argue if someone picks up a fight with me i get cold i get careless and just examine everything say it in honesty which usually makes things worse, which it did
now am afraid i lost her
and that may be true
am scared and i don't know what to do
it hurts more than i thought it would
but i promise I'll fix this. i promise everything will be right once more.



Every pain have a purpose - god i hope that one is true.